I’ve done a lot of interviews lately, which have involved me talking about the origin story of ‘The List of Suspicious Things’ (it actually came to me, fully formed, with a title, while out on a dog walk and it felt like magic at the time). I’ve also spoken about the 20k words of a book I carefully planned out and wrote BEFORE that, which will never see the light of day, not because it was really terrible, but because it had no life, heart or energy to it, it was just…flat. As a consequence, I’ve been thinking about both of these experiences in relation to my next book/writing project which is proving to be the stereotypical difficult second album (in that it’s bloody hard work).
I currently have 20k words of four different novels on my hard drive, all abandoned. Some abandoned because I lost interest, some because my agent, Nelle, read them and - ever honest - shook her head sorrowfully. After my last attempt she said, ‘the writing is great, but there’s something missing,’ and I knew she was right; it had no life, heart or energy to it, it was just… flat. I was back at the very beginning.
And so I spiralled. What if I’m a one hit wonder? What if The List of Suspicious Things is the only book I will ever write? What if the second book I write is a giant flop? What if, what if, what if? And I’ve spent hours sat in front of my screen, thinking, writing, exploring, TRYING to make my second novel happen, to think of ideas, to be seen to be ‘working’. This, while dealing with the publication and promotion of the first, has meant some days (weeks?) of tiredness, frustration and overwhelm.
Thank goodness for a brilliant agent (again) who staged a bit of an intervention a few weeks ago. ‘Jennie. Stop trying so hard,’ she said on a Zoom call. ‘I think you need to just stop, rest and recharge. Once this first phase of promotion is over, maybe go on holiday, go to some museums/ art galleries, nurture yourself and your creativity.’ As soon as she said those words I knew she was right. I felt it in my body as my hunched shoulders dropped, and I felt it in my throat as it closed up, threatening tears.
My whole life I have worked hard. I was always a ‘good student’ and top of the class at school, while working part-time from the age of fourteen in various shops. I was the first in my family to go to university, where I also worked every evening in a call centre, and after I graduated, got straight into the career I would progress in over the next twenty-five years. I prided myself on my work ethic and productivity. My whole personality was one of striving; trying to be more and more successful. And it paid off…until it didn’t, and I not only suffered with my mental health, but fell completely out of love with my profession/corporate life and left it entirely in 2019. For the first time in my life, I just let myself ‘be’ and that was when, out on a dog walk, the idea came for the book that changed my life.
I realised in that moment, in that conversation with Nelle, that actually it’s not my job to try and think of new ideas, endlessly searching for ‘the one.’ It’s my job to create the conditions for those ideas to happen. To allow the space for creativity. So I’ve stopped ‘trying’ and started to look after myself more. I’ve been walking on the beach at the weekends. When I’m touring, I make sure I leave enough time to go and see the place I’m visiting, sit in cafes, watch the world go by. I’m painting again (I’m terrible at it, but I don’t care) and I’m exploring ideas about creativity through the latest Julia Cameron book and making my way through the backlist of @EmmaGannon (both of whom I love).
I’ve written a short story in that time, and have an idea for another, and I’ve started this Substack, which is an outlet for me to explore/make sense of this next phase of the journey as I go. I’m trusting that the next book (if there is a next book) will make itself clear to me when it’s time.
I loved reading this, Jennie, and applaud your honesty! I think 2nd novel syndrome is a thing, you’re not alone - all part of the process (we hope! 🤞). Thank you. Write strong, Jennie! Al
I hear you…! My debut novel is out soon and i’m meant to be writing the second (while finishing up my university lecturing contract…) and it’s so hard. I went straight from phd to novel -written for phd -to publishing to lecturing…. I haven’t had a work-free holiday since 2017. Too long!! I do have another residential fellowship coming up, so i’ll try to relax while writing in the gorgeous surroundings. But a pool by a tiny place somewhere near a beautiful beach would be the best!