On wearing life like a loose overcoat

not a too tight thong

I first came across the expression ‘wear life like a loose overcoat’ in Alcoholics Anonymous, as a wonderful way to describe letting life be as it is, not being consumed with ‘how it should be’ and attempting to control every aspect of our experience (as addicts like me are wont to do).

The ‘not a too tight thong’ bit was added by a 25-year-old called Richard who I used to go to meetings with in the noughties (he had a way with words) and I adopted it immediately as the perfect expression of what life feels like when I don’t do this; downright uncomfortable.

Ironic then, for someone whose natural tendency is to hold tight to everything, to have chosen a path where so very little is in my control (that of traditional publishing). I’ve often said that going through this process has been one of the biggest ‘life lessons’ I’ve ever experienced, and I’ve experienced a fair bit, including getting sober at 36. It has been such a brilliant way of learning, over and over, only to focus on what I can control, and to let go of what I can’t.

All of this is to say that this week has been a ‘too tight thong’ week, in my life generally (sorry for the mental image everyone). Things haven’t happened in the way I want them to happen, or in the timeframe that would be ideal for me, and I have really struggled with that, especially as this year I’ve had a rare long stretch of time where things have mostly gone my way (with a few notable exceptions).

As a consequence I have sworn, I’ve cried, I’ve felt sad, but it’s also reminded me to prioritise the things that make me feel better, that are not contingent on circumstances going ‘my way.’ (In recovery terms, it’s been about accepting the things I cannot change, and changing the things I can).

For me those things are as basic as ensuring I get enough sleep, drink enough water, connect with the people I love (I can tend towards isolating), getting lots of fresh air, meditating and journalling, all of which can go out of the window when I’m under stress, but they also become MORE important at those times.

When it comes to writing, what actually makes me feel better is to focus on the ONLY thing that is in my control; the words on the page. The act of writing is the only place I’ve ever found where I can truly lose myself, and my expectations on life, and luckily I’ve had some deadlines this week that have made sure I’ve been focused on the page, but I find writing this Substack incredibly therapeutic too. I decided to do this to get me back into the discipline of regular writing, following months of promotional work, but it’s already become something more important to me, and I’m so grateful to everyone who reads it too. You’re all lovely!

I am remembering that is a simple fact of life that sometimes things go our way and sometimes they don’t, and that is actually a GOOD THING. The trick is to remain grounded regardless, knowing that it’s part of the natural ebb and flow of things. I’ve forgotten that lately, maybe life just gave me a timely reminder.